The Messes We Make

A couple weeks ago I helped my foxhole friend clean his garage before his wife's family invaded their house for the holidays. It was his attempt to create a more organized space for his own family and to appease his in-laws who have always seen his garage as a "death-trap." He had to take responsibility for the mess, he owns the house and the space and he is ultimately responsibile for how his family does or does not take care of that space. His kids are pretty young and so perhaps they are just not responsibile enough to do their share. Their lives are busy and maybe it's just not a huge priority.... until family come! Sometimes outside stimuli, a need for a fresh start, getting ticked off enough to act, or the fear of being exposed can incite action!

Proverbs 26:11 "As a dog returns to it's vomit, so a fool who repeats his folly."

We all have habits that are either healthy or un-healthy. Yesterday in an attempt to help someone out, due to some really bad decisions/in-decisions he is responsible for, we ended up in an even greater mess. I heard myself during the 4 hour discussion repeat nearly everything I have before to him and he just sat there seemingly un-able to connect the dots on how he gets there. I couldn't get him to understand but his mess was also effecting my life and those I love - big time!
As long as we are all in process we all have messes! Seen and un-seen, and there may be many legitmate reasons for how they got there, but in the end we are responsible for most of them. When it comes to cleaning up messes I admit I love both the process and creating systems so it can stay cleaned up, and of course I love the results! I love it! But what I don't love is not doing things differently enough so the messes keep happening....Have you been there?

"Insanity is doing the same things, the same way and expecting different results."

I believe that due to agreements we make about our lives, agreeing with other people's opinions of us, things that happen or don't happen to us, failures, in-decisions, wrong decisions, poor models, generational sins, the enemies who rage war against us (all of the above) we live in messes. Repeated messes! Many messes if not most of them we cannot clean up ourselves, especially when they involve/effect others. Out of fear we either do one of the following; we jump in and take control, hope others will jump in and rescue, or we do nothing. As I mentioned in my previous post on gravity, it takes God's strength to help us pull away! I will be taking some action, but first I am taking time to ask God to help me understand how the mess happened in the first place, what my role was, and ask for His help, His wisdom and then the faith and partnership to get it cleaned up the best it can be!

Thank God He is cleaning up my messes as I surrender my responsibility, my control and the blame I have placed on others/things! Thank God I have His word, The Spirit, other people who love me and can speak the truth into my life! Thank God - He makes all things new through His presence and power, His grace and love!

The Pull of Gravity

As you and I begin a new year, hope comes with it. Desires and prayers, dreams and hopes, but if you have lived long enough you know they can be short lived and then we just live/exist/fit in... Why is that? I have a theory, it's called gravity, yeah gravity, you know the stuff that holds us here so we don't float away, it's the stuff that holds us down. People can only get so far up without being brought back down. Some can jump higher than others (Michael Jordan, David Thompson) and if we use a trampoline it helps and is fun, or if we are lucky enough to get in an airplane we make it to 30,000 feet but it brings us back down as well.
Our lives are much like this aren't they? Our generational curses can hold us down, the limitations others may place on us, the ones we place on ourselves and then there is the enemy who does not want us to become all that God desires for us.

"The thief comes only to rob, kill and destroy, but I have come that you may have life to overflow." John 10:10.

As we face a new year and try and put together plans to break away from our past so we can have a better future, let's remember that we cannot do it ourselves. It is impossible. The author Gerald May (highly reccomend) says we cannot arrange for the life we treasure. But we sure try! Goals, resolutions etc. but for most of us trying to break away from personal gravity is so hard, it takes so much effort to break away. How do we do it then if we cannot do it on our own?

The Apostle Paul "One thing I do, I forget the past and look forward to what lies ahead. For I can do all things through Christ who gives me the strength to do it" Phillipians 4.

Gravity will prevent some things, but with God nothing is impossible. My prayer and hope for 2009 is that the things that hold us down from being all that God desires for us will be destroyed. You and I cannot arrange for it, but we have a God who is stronger and limitless. Oh to have the kind of faith that God is pleased with, "for without faith it is impossible to please God" Hebrews 11. Instead of getting in line with everyone else and getting lost in the drone, take some time right now (I mean it!) and ask yourself what is it you really want to break away from, have victory over, do differently? Take it to God and like the persistent widow, wear God out on this. Make specific plans to be sure, seek out others who are excellent at this or have overcome it and learn from them. Read a book on it by all means! If it's from Him, about Him and pleases Him, be persistent, test Him on this and pull away from those things that have hindered you in the past!!! God bless you indeed!

Your Life Long Counsel

Quiz - Can you name 3-5 people who fit the following criteria -
A). The KNOW you best.
B). The LOVE you most.
C). They are willing to speak the truth in love to you.

How did you do? The Bible speaks about having these kind of people in our lives. "Wise people seek the counsel of many" Proverbs says. It is where we get the saying "Two heads are better than one". We all have decisions to make that are pretty impactful and dealing with the pressure and knowing how to make the right decision can be alot to handle. So why not do the Biblically correct and entirely helpful thing and design a life counsel. I have several people I can call in a moment's notice who if I asked, would pray and get back to me once I shared the necessary information needed so I can make a great and Godly decision. I can say that each of these people has spoken the truth in love to me. It is a great person who can do this. We don't need "yes" only people, we need iron sharperners and truth bearers. One of my favorite verses is Proverbs 27:17
"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another" I KNOW I am not wise enough, so I ask for wise counsel. I KNOW I don't have all the right perspectives on most situations, so I ask for perspective. I KNOW that prayer is essential and having others pray for me is VITAL... I KNOW that allowing others into my life who love me enough to give perspective and Godly wisdom with truth no matter the consequences is a gift beyond measure. They sharpen me which at times mean sparks will fly and pressure will be applied if I am to be shaped into all God desires in me, for me and through me. One time I did not heed their advice, fear and listening to the wrong voices brought about a terrible fate. One I would do over in a less than a heartbeat. I can't un-do it, oh how I wished I could, but I have learned from it, they have forgiven me and I have done the best I can to move on after much healing and counsel and time!
Write out those names, pray and then start communicating with them and ask them to consider being a member of your LIFE COUNSEL and watch how God uses them!

The Gift that Keeps on Giving

I LOVE Christmas! Nearly everything about it! Okay, nearly! There are parts I don't, probably the same ones you don't. But just like in the "Charlie Brown Christmas" where the characters try and capture Christmas in a play it starts complicated and then gets simple. Christmas is simple, we make it complicated with expectations and approval and making everything just right!!! It should not be complicated but simple!

I love getting and receiving presents. I love carols and being spontaneous and extravagant. Like tonight. I drove 45 miles one way just to deliver a couple of un-wrapped presents to some dear friends. The presents were not worth much, but it was the whole idea of driving there just to say hi, give them a couple presents and say Merry Christmas.

God gave! Simple! God gave His only Son, His perfect Son! His blameless, Holy Son! Why did He do that? Because He so loved the world! You and Me! I had a poster at one time that I loved. It said this "I asked Jesus how much do you love me, and He reached out His arms out and said "this much" and then He died". A picture was in the background of those words and the picture formed a cross on a hill! Get it?

After we were given and chose the costly and free gift of salvation we were given gifts! Unique gifts. No one can give the gifts we have! No one! Combined with our personality, our natural gifts and our Spiritual gifts you and I are totally unique... and we have MUCH to offer. Do you know what your gifts are? Most believers do not! How sad! May I encourage you to find a tool to find out what they are! You probably know what your personality type is, and what your natural gifts and abilities are. But...do you know what you super-natural gifts are? God gave them to you and the world needs them. Needs them desperately! The body of Christ does not function nearly as well as it should with you either sitting on the sideline or un-aware. This year make it your goal to know them and begin to use them. God gave His greatest Gift and His name is Jesus! Then God gave you and I gifts and we/they are needed! Merry Christmas!

How to Keep your Accounts Overflowing

A special Happy 21st Birthday cheer to my daughter Brittany! I love you so much and am so proud of you!

In these days of economic insecurity nearly all of us are watching more than ever where our accounts stand by checking daily on-line. This is a good thing. We do this to make sure there is enough to pay the bills, invest and have in case of emergency's.

If we are un-wise we can loose it all. In a heartbeat! I would like to move onto different accounts. Our emotional, physical and spiritual accounts. I heard a friend speak at a retreat say something both profound and impactful.

"You have as many friends in your life as you want, you have as much money in your life as you want, you have as much knowledge and strength in your life as your want, you have as much peace and God in your life as you want, and you have as much love in your life as you want."
Wow! I had to think about that long and hard and at first I rebelled inwardly about those statements and as the speaker went on and explained himself it did make sense. We have choices all of the time, and based on our choices we do have as much or as little of anything we want. Of course there are some exceptions...

So I keep close eye on these accounts and tend to them meticulously. Here's how;

I know the people and activities in my life that either make a deposit or withdrawl. As I am watching my accounts, if I see one or more running low, then I schedule time either with those people who are deposit people or by doing activities that do. I am not suppose to completely avoid the people and activities that are withdrawls but I make sure my accounts are full before I do. I do not enjoy paying my bill and balancing my check book, so before I do them or after I reward myself with spendig time being with or doing deposit things. The same is true with certain people. I may have a tough confrontation or leadership conversation to have and I am pretty sure it will end up being a withdrawl, I make sure my account is high first and after. I take time to know my schedule ahead of time and then assess my accounts to make sure I insert things into my life that are desposits because I am equally aware of the withdrawls coming up too.

Hope this makes sense. Here's my challenge.

1. Make a list of the deposit people in your life.
2. Make a list of the deposit activities in your life.
3. Make a list of the withdrawl people in your life.
4. Make a list of the withdrawl activities in your life.
5. Take daily, weekly, monthly and longer looks if you can (seasons) when you know you are going to need deposits because of the withdrawls.

You will find your life will become more joyful and more productive, your soul more at peace and what you give to others of youself will be so much better as well!

Speaking the Truth in Love II

Back to the subject of Biblical confrontation! I am going to share the steps I try to use in speaking the truth in love.

1. Seek to understand the other first.
Steven Covey in one of his 7 habits, states "to be understood, first seek to understand". Before confronting anyone and speaking the truth in love, it is truly wise to step inside the life of the person and envision their life and what brought the conflict on in the first place. One of the things I have learned is that so many times the problem is really the symptom. For instance, if a person has a drinking problem, many people might thing that drinking is the problem, not so! The better/deeper question to answer is what caused the person to drink in the first place.
So when going to a person and speaking the truth (which is really your version of the truth) in love, make sure you really know as much as you can. It builds mercy, grace and compassion.

2. Pray!
I am serious, it slows me down, and helps me hear from God. Don't think about praying, pray. Don't talk about prayer, pray!

3. Make Peace your goal!
I've found it's best to state the goal as being "to be at peace with anyone/everyone as much as it is possible". It creates safety and trust and makes the goal reconciliation not blame or right or wrong. Discord and misunderstanding if left alone for any length of time can cause infection, it festers. Too much time left without attempt to make things right and communication can allow for so many bad ideas and mis-truths. It's best to speak early so less damage takes place. The enemies of our own flesh, the devil and the world attack, know this, rebuke it and resist it!

4. Realize it's a process and not an event!
Rarely do two or more people arrive at reconciliation in one shot. It takes time. State this at the get go and it helps take pressure off!

5. Talk back.
What I mean is that when it looks like you are nearly done with the conversation do this simple skill. It goes like this.
"This is what I heard you say, is that accurate? Is there anything I missed or added that you want to comment about?" Then have the other person respond and then let them say the same thing. We have filters, we hear things that may not have been said or inferred. Make sure both of you are on the same page. In the same way, I like to close with this statement.
"we are about to walk away from this conversation, is there anything you would have liked to have said but didn't? Is there anything you want to say before we leave it at this point?" This helps alot. It is amazing how many times someone has responded.

Okay, this is enough for now. I want to hear from any of you out there!

Speaking the Truth in Love

Confrontation is hardly ever easy is it? It never was for me growing up that's for sure. I feared it! I admit it, it just was not healthy in my home as a kid. Whenever a difficult conversation would take place I wished I could just go invisible!

The late Jim Elliot wrote in the book "Through the Gates of Splendor"
"the fear of the thing is often more great then the thing itself".

That is true, and I think most people fear confrontation so we avoid it. And most people just are not good at speaking the truth in love. In Ephesians 4 we are commanded to speak the truth in love to one another. Most people get the speak the truth part down all to well, but it's usually not seasoned with love. In one church I served in, the church split over their in-ability to do this. The church lost, the community looked on with no real desire to join because of the way the church mishandled a conflict. For a long time I hoped that God would just jump in and fix relationships that had conflict, hoping He would supernaturally intervene so I would not have to. One of my long time mentors confronted me early on in my adulthood and ministry experience in a very healthy way, but I remember my reaction was not healthy, it was more of a "how dare he". I now realize he did not have to confront at all, but he showed his love for me by doing it. He has become my daughter's God Father because of his love and truth lifestyle.
My parents did not do this so well, and I hated confrontation, I cringed and felt so weak and shamed through most of it. Case in point, I have 4 siblings and at the landing of our house was a wodden plaque with a dog house and a hook in the middle, and next to it were 5 puppies and each bore our name. When we got home and saw the plaque (we couldn't miss it) we would look to see if one of us was in the doghouse. Many times passive/aggressive behavior took over and either a yelling/shaming confrontation occured or the silent treatment did and we never knew where we stood until our puppy one day was out of the doghouse.
The Holy Spirit, books and authentic relationships over the years has strengthened my emotional health and I am now able to speak the truth in love to people, and do it very well I think. I don't go searching for conflict to resolve but will face it rather then avoid it or become resentful.
I am going to continue this thread as I have a very significant confrontation coming up, I pray it goes GREAT, not just good. There is a lot riding on it for many people and a long future potentially hanging in the balance. I end with a question that invites response, "how do you do confrontation?"