I am a classic optimist, a hopeful, perhaps even whimsical person, which makes it fun to be with and around me! But people cannot always be happy, that's neither realistic nor authentic, for whatever reason I never found it safe to share the harder, deeper struggles of my life with others...so I didn't. People tried to get inside the more authentic me, but I was guarded and most likely out of touch with my inner self, probably because I didn't want to find something I didn't like. However one of the great "gifts" of my life has been personal tragedy, in my case it was divorce. I hate being divorced, everything associated with it for myself, my children, family and friends!!! I didn't want to be divorced (no one truly does) but some great gifts have come and because my private life was played out to many in public because I was a Pastor. The old saying that you can run but you can't hide is so true, the long and short of it is this; a 2 week counseling session 1,000 miles from home with a gifted and tender Christian counselor revealed the following;
"Kevin,you are not okay, everyone around you who loves you knows that you are not okay, so until you are okay with not being okay, you will not be okay."
What a gift, and what a revelation, but what a struggle this has been for me. As this Christmas comes and all that comes with it (gift giving, lots of miscellaneous cash spending) I find I am not so okay with not being okay. For the last couple years I have been out of full time ministry and financially it was much better paying and providing for than my current job in the Optical field. I am grateful for my job, I work with some wonderful people and I am good at my job, but financially it does not provide like I, my adult children and friends are used to. They may be okay with this, but I am not! So this Christmas I am re-visiting the truth that I need to be okay with not being okay. I always want to improve and do my best but I also need to be authentic and honest with myself and others. I am in process, God is chiseling me, re-shaping me, refining me through trial to be more like His Son Jesus. And that's not only okay, it's GREAT! Merry Christmas to all!
